Monday, October 14, 2013


"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get."
Mark Twain

ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Mythbusters, the team tackles Global Warming!
[theme song plays over credits]
JAMIE: Whatever you do, please don't try any of this at home
ADAM: We're what you call experts.
[ad trying to convince men to use moisturizer to expand cosmetics sales]
[ad about an affliction only very aged people get designed to seem like its cool and normal for middle aged folks so boomers won't feel like you're calling them old]
[ad about a car that tells you nothing of its virtues but shows it spinning out of control on a desert floor]
ADAM: What's with all the fans, Jamie?
JAMIE: I'm glad you asked.  I'm getting ready for when the earth gets so hot it kills us all.
ADAM: Ah ha!  We're going to be looking at global warming then!
JAMIE: That's right and I've been looking forward to this since we praised Popular Science for banning comments that dared question this consensus science that only a moron would doubt.
ADAM: So how are we going to go about this?
JAMIE: I think we're going to need the whole team for this one!
[Kari, Tory, and Grant pop up from behind the counter]
TORY: what do we get to blow up?
JAMIE: The whole earth, if we don't turn back the clock to 1880!
GRANT: Wouldn't that mean we would all be out of a job?
[everyone stares at him disapprovingly until he hangs his head]
ADAM: Kari, why are you wearing a tiny bikini?
KARI: Because the theme is hot weather!
JAMIE: And the cat ears?
KARI: Because they're cute!
TORY: That outfit seems a bit impractical for lab work.
KARI: I did Pilates for 8 months to get this flat tummy after having a baby and I'm gonna show it off!
JAMIE: the first thing we're going to look at are claims by scientists who support global warming.
ADAM: Great idea!  We know the glaciers on the Himalayas are melting
TORY: The seas are going to rise as much as seven meters!
KARI: The arctic is going to melt, no more ice cap!
JAMIE: Dust storms and mass crop dieouts!
GRANT: uh, guys...
ADAM: Greenland loses its ice!
TORY: Billions of people to die from starvation, war, and overheating caused by SUV's!
KARI: Cute polar bears will die off!
JAMIE: Deadlier and more frequent hurricanes will take place!
GRANT: Guys...
TORY: Rainfall will become more scarce in areas like Australia, leading to massive droughts and water shortages!
ADAM: Antarctica will melt away to bare land!
JAMIE: warming will continue to ramp up out of control every year in a hockey stick-like curve!
GRANT: Well lets check the data shall we?
ADAM: OK bust out the facts.
[ad about a movie, the trailer showing the only good parts]
[ad about cologne for men, claiming women will tear off their clothing in desperation to have sex with you if you wear it]
[ad about a drug that spends 3/4 of the duration explaining awful things that may happen to you if you take it]
[ad about a local mattress store that has been celebrating its grand opening for the last six months]
JAMIE: According to NASA scientist James Hansen, within 15 years the earth's temperature will raise to a level not seen on earth for 100,000 years!
GRANT: He said that in 1986.
[everyone looks outside.  Kari shivers slightly]
KARI: can we at least turn the fans off?
TORY: Well the glaciers, I remember reading that in the IPCC report, what's the report on that?
GRANT: They're increasing.  There never was any melt, the IPCC just presumed it based on a few stories they heard.  In fact, scientists now estimate that the sea level has dropped slightly because of the amount of ice building up.
ADAM: Then the drought, lots of drought around the world, right?  I keep hearing about water shortages.
JAMIE: Um... yeah.  Australia keeps having floods even though their Climate Change expert said there would be people dying from lack of water.  And the US shows no signs either.
TORY: But the arctic is melting away, isn't it?  See this report, it says there will be no ice in the arctic by... 2013. Uh.
GRANT: For a while during the summer it was lower in ice pack, but the ice is growing every year again.
KARI: The antarctic is piling up ice too.
TORY: I read that geologists think that the ice loss in one area of Antarctica is due to a volcano underneath it.
ADAM: And Greenland?  Whats the latest peer reviewed report.... oh.  Increasing every year since 2009.
KARI: What about the cute fluffy polar bears?
GRANT: Of the 19 known populations of bears, 2 were thought to be decreasing in the Hudsons' Bay area, although that claim is disputed now.  Eleven are increasing.  There are more polar bears on the planet now than at any time in recorded history.
KARI: But Al Gore said...
ADAM: [coughing] uh-HOW bout the storms, huh, Grant?  Hurricane Katrina was sure deadly.
GRANT: Yeah, it was awful, I donated a bunch of money to help rebuilding.  But according to the NOAA, the frequency and power of storms is actually decreasing.  Worldwide the number of storms has been decreasing for decades.
TORY: And the Hockey Stick seems broken.  The NOAA reports show that the CO2 levels aren't causing the runaway warming scientists feared.
KARI: Wait, I thought the seas were rising and were going to flood New York City, but the latest IPCC report has the sea rise over the next century maxing out at 62 cm.  I guess that 20 foot mark was a bit off.
GRANT: Professor Niklas Mörner, who has been studying sea level for a third of a century, says it is physically impossible for sea level to rise at much above its present rate, and he expects 4-8 inches of sea level rise this century, if anything rather below the rate of increase in the last century. In the 11,400 years since the end of the last Ice Age, sea level has risen at an average of 4 feet/century, though it is now rising much more slowly because very nearly all of the land-based ice that is at low enough latitudes and altitudes to melt has long since gone.
KARI: Dang, another NOAA report, it shows sea level rise slowing.  This isn't looking good for the climate change myth, guys.
GRANT: There hasn't been any warming for over a decade, guys.  Surely you've noticed?
JAMIE: You know, there's not a single computer-modeled climate report that predicted the last ten years accurately.  The odds of them all being wrong just seems unlikely to be due to chance or randomness.
KARI: Could we close a door?  I need a coat.
GRANT: It gets worse.  When you plug existing climate data from the past into the models, they predict warming that never took place in the following years.  Its almost like the programs were designed to kick out warming predictions.
ADAM: I reject your reality and substitute my own, where warming is happening anyway! [ADAM runs away]
GRANT: The problem is that the warming was never global anyway.  The Northern Hemisphere showed signs of warming, but the southern didn't.  And a lot of the data that showed warming is coming under serious doubt.
JAMIE: Well its just hidden in the oceans or something.  It has to be, there's such a consensus of scientists, they can't all be wrong!
GRANT: I think we have to call all this busted.  Seriously.
JAMIE: This show was a mistake.

If the show really was honest, they would have to call these claims busted at least, if not the whole climate alarmism business.  Almost every single thing the climate change guys have predicted has either been hilariously false or has little to no chance of being remotely accurate in the future.  Weather changes, so who knows what tomorrow will be like, but so far they're batting like .001, and that's just lousy science.
But unlike how I portray Grant here, they're probably all the hardcore alarmist types like Adam showed himself to be on Facebook.  Apologies to Kari, I was just using her as a comic foil, she does seem to be a serious scientist and fabricator.

1 comment:

Tina said...

LOL! Are you a secret scriptwriter for this show? Good capture of the personalities and antics!

A whole generation is gonna be soooo embarrassed in 20 years that they fell for the climate junk...