We have a sort of moat-slash-drainage ditch out the back that may or may not have leeches in. Exciting leeches. Leeches that would guarantee a raftload of excitable government leechophiles descend on us like a ton of unwashed hippie.To that I can only respond with Black Adder:
Dr: Now then, what seems to be the trouble?The next scene is Blackadder's house, where he's sitting with a mouth full of leeches.
Blackadder: Well, it’s my manservant.
Dr: Well don’t be embarrassed. If you’ve got the pox, just pop your, er, “manservant” on the table and we’ll take a look at it.
Blackadder: No, no, no. No, it’s my real manservant.
Dr: And what’s wrong with him?
Blackadder: There’s nothing wrong with him: That’s the problem; he’s perfect. And last night I almost kissed him.
Dr: I see; so you’ve started fancying boys then have you? [comes around the table and starts looking in Blackadder’s facial crevices.]
Blackadder: Not boys: a boy.
Dr: Yes, well let’s not split hairs; it’s all rather disgusting and naturally you’re worried.
Blackadder: Of course I’m worried.
D: Of course you are. It isn’t every day a man wakes up to find he’s a screaming bender with no more right to live on God’s clean earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself?
Blackadder: Not really, no
Dr: Bloody hell, I would be. But still why should I complain? Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?
Blackadder: Look am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra?
Dr: No, all part of the service. [waves Blackadder over to an “x-ray” painting of human torso and fiddles with six arrows on it] I think you’re in luck though. An extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly this kind of sordid problem.
Blackadder: It wouldn’t have anything to do with leeches, would it?
Dr: I had no idea you were a medical man!
Blackadder: I’ve never had anything you doctors didn’t try to cure with leeches. A leech on my ear for earache; a leech on my bottom for constipation …
Dr: They’re marvellous aren’t they?
Blackadder: Well the bottom one wasn’t. I just sat down and squashed it.
Dr: You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority.
Blackadder: Yes I heard that. Dr Hoffman of Stuttgart, isn’t it?
Dr: Yes, that’s right. The great Hoffman.
Blackadder: Owner of the largest leech farm in Europe.
Dr: Yes. Well I can’t spend all day gossiping; I’m a busy man. [waves Blackadder back to the chair] As far as this case is concerned, I’ve had time to think it over and I can strongly recommend [starts writing prescription] …
both: … a course of leeches.
Blackadder: So just pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed.
Dr: No no no no don’t be ridiculous; this isn’t the Dark Ages. Just pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly. In a few weeks you’ll be beating your servant with a stick just like the rest of us.
Blackadder [looks at prescription] You’re just an old quack aren’t you?
Dr: I’d rather be a quack than a ducky. Good day.
If you only know Rowan Atkisson as Mr Bean, I strongly suggest you check out the hilarious Blackadder series, all 4 seasons. Just be ready to laugh so hard you cry.