Monday, April 14, 2008


I heard you sleep with that obnoxious guy
I know he is in that famous band
You look so sad when you are with him
Yes I never see him reach to hold your hand
-Everclear Unemployed Boyfriend

Confused Boy
For most men, women are mysterious or at least irrationally unpredictable. For the most part, men tend to treat women like radioactive pizza, we love pizza, its dangerous and probably lethal in the end, yet we can't stop ourselves. Sometimes we wish there was some oracle to go to with the answers to all our questions, some great teacher that would explain things. Here are 10 questions I can think of to ask women, mysteries of life:
1) Is your underwear really that awkward and uncomfortable that you have to keep tugging on it everywhere you go?

2) Why do you ask questions you do not really want the answer to?

3) Why do you care so much about specific dates like the first time we saw a dog with spots and the first week we spent together without seeing a Volvo?

4) Why do you find it endearing when a guy's in love and won't take no for an answer in the movies, but in real life you call it stalking?

5) Why do you always go to the bathroom in groups?

6) Why do you think it's fun to act like a little girl, but stupid when I'm boyish? Related: why do you think the guys that are boyish are so hot, but hate it when I am?

7) Why is it you always can remember the dumb stuff I said seven years ago but not the nice stuff I said a few hours ago?

8) If you hate your mom so much, why do you constantly talk to her and run to her every time you are in trouble or upset?

9) When you read me a quiz out of Cosmo, what exactly are you hoping will happen? What are you looking for?

10) Why is it when a man is the guy that you describe you claim to like and want, he's always the one you ignore?
There are always more, of course. This is just something I came up with over the weekend. And of course, there are always questions women want to ask men and need answer to - usually I think in the case of men the answer is obvious but women either don't care for it or don't believe that it can be that simple. Women tend to be very obscure and labyrinthine in their thinking processes it seems to me. Two thoughts rarely seem to be rationally connected, so they view the world so much more complicated and complex than men. When they see a man do something, they figure the real reason he's doing it has to match their confusing method of looking at the world.

At least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. In any case, if any female readers have questions about men they are puzzled by I can try to answer, being a life-long male.

*UPDATE Erica gives some answers to these questions on her blog Sent West. Check them out.


Blogger Erica said...

I thought I'd have a try at answering your questions. I posted my response here.

10:45 PM, April 14, 2008  
Anonymous s. weasel said...

Right. I wrote out mine before I read erica's, but hers is pretty good.

Here's mine:

1. Oh, god, yes it is. It's horrible. We're squishy and our underwear is designed to move our stuff around to best advantage. Imagine you had to wear tighty whities that made your genitals look high and perky all the time. That's the sort of construction operation our underwear is trying to accomplish.

2. They aren't questions. They're an invitation for you to join us in reinforcing what we already believe. We're looking for consensus here.

3. Because that's how we remember stuff. It's like people who navigate by visual landmarks; we remember the important things by making a big stack of trivial things. Sure, you can laugh...but which of us always remembers where you left your keys?

4. That's like asking why Superman can fly but you just fell off the roof and broke your back. Movie people can do ANYTHING and it's cool, because they're beautiful and they have an army of scriptwriters and makeup men and lighting specialists backing them up. Don't try this at home, kids!

5. I hate the 'flock to the bathroom' thing, but it's because women don't just pee in there. They freshen makeup, adjust the aforementioned complicated underwear and compare notes. It's a long and boring operation and it helps to have company.

6. Hm. I'd have to have a more detailed description. As a rule, I prefer boyishness to girlishness. Maybe that's because I hate stuffed animals, but blowing up a pumpkin with an M80 is pretty interesting.

7. Dumb stuff is forever. Dumb stuff is radioactive waste, nice stuff is cut flowers. I don't make the laws of physics, jack.

8. How come Spock and Mirror Spock were always fighting?

9. Pass. Don't do the Cosmo quiz thing.

10. Because in actual practice, our heads have nothing to do with it. There's what we think we want, and then there's...pheromones or vibes or whatever it is people give off in real life. Don't tell me guys don't have a similar disconnect!

8:34 AM, April 15, 2008  
Anonymous Christopher Taylor said...

By the boyish/girlish comment I mean this: women seem to comfortably slip between being girlish and being adult, between being giggly and silly and being adult and mature without concern.

When a guy does this, woment tend to get annoyed at them: grow up! Stop being such a dumb kid! Why can't you act like a man?!?

9:39 AM, April 15, 2008  
Anonymous S. Weasel said...

Oh. Hm. Yeah, okay. I suppose there's something childlike about stereotypical femininity and unchildlike about stereotypical masculinity. So if you're going for archetypes, I guess so.

But I enjoy the occasional outburst of stupid from men. I'd be lost without it.

10:06 AM, April 15, 2008  

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