THE DEAD TYRANT SKETCH
Jacques Chirac enters the UN
Mr. Chirac: Bonjour, I wish to register a complaint.
(The General Secretary does not respond.)
Mr. Chirac: 'Ello, Miss?
Kofi Annan: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Chirac: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Kofi Annan: We're closing for New Year's.
Mr. Chirac: Never mind zat, Mr. Secretary. I wish to complain about zis dictator that I purchased not long ago from zis very boutique.
Kofi Annan: Oh yes, the, uh, the Saddam Hussein...What's,uh...What's wrong with him?
Mr. Chirac: I'll tell you what is wrong with 'eem, he's dead, zat is what is wrong with 'eem!
Annan: No, no, he's uh,...he's resting.
Chirac: Mon cher, I know a dead tyrant when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Annan: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable fellow, the Baathist Thug, eh? Beautiful uniform!
Chirac: The uniform is of no consequence. 'e is stone dead.
Annan: Nononono, no, no! he's resting!
Chirac: Very Well zen, if 'e is restin', I'll wake 'eem up! (shouting at the body) hello, Mister Hussein! I've got a lovely fresh shipment of weapons-grade plutonium for you if you show...
(Kofi Annan bumps the body)
Annan: There, he moved!
Chirac: Mais no, 'e did not, zat was you nudging 'eem!
Annan: I never!!
Chirac: Yes, you did!
Annan: I never, never did anything...
Chirac: (yelling and nudging the body repeatedly) 'ELLO SADDAM!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! Zis is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Thumps Hussein's head against the counter repeatedly, lets go and he slumps to the floor)
Chirac: Now zat is what I call a dead parrot.
Annan: No, no..... (thinks of something) No, he's stunned!
Annan: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Baathists shock and awe easily, Prime Minister.
Chirac: Um...now look...now look, General Secretary, I've definitely 'ad enough of zis. Zat tyrant is definitely deceased, and when I purchased 'eem not so long ago, you assured me zat 'es total lack of cooperation was due to ze Americans!
Annan: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the plastic shredders.
Chirac: PININ' for ze SHREDDERS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is zat?, look, why did 'e fall flat on 'ees back ze moment 'e was invaded?
Annan: The Baathist prefers lying on it's back! Remarkable fellow, isn't he? Lovely uniform!
Chirac: Look, I took ze liberty of examining zat dictator recently, and I discovered the only reason that 'e had been in dealing with me in ze first place was that it 'e was under your sanctions.
Annan: Well, of course he was under sanctions! If we hadn't nailed that tyrant down, he would have been buying nuclear weapons, selling them to terrorists, you know the lot! Why, if he wasn't pining now he'd be off building WMD right now, Voom!
Chirac: "VOOM"?!? Mon cher, zis bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'e is tres demised!
Annan: No no! he's pining!
Chirac: 'E is not pining! 'e is passed on! Zis dictator is no more! 'E has ceased to be! 'E is expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E is a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If I 'adn't dragged 'im to zis shop 'e would be pushing up ze daisies! 'Ees metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E has hopped the twig! 'E 'as kicked ze bucket, 'e 'as shuffled off zis mortal coil, run down ze curtain and joined the choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-TYRANT!!
Annan: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry sir, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Iraqi dictators.
Chirac: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Annan: I got a North Korean.
Chirac: Pray, does it talk?
Annan: Nnnnot so you can understand him.
Chirac: WELL IT IS 'ARDLY A REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Annan: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Annan: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Chirac: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.