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CHRISTOPHER TAYLOR'S BOOKS

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

DIPLOMACY SPACE

The Bobs from Office Space interview the UN:

BOB SLYDELL
So you say you wear blue helmets and sit in bunkers, observing as people kill each other?

UN PEACEKEEPER
That, that's right. Sometimes we give one side information about the other, if their enemy is Israel.

BOB SLYDELL
But you don't disarm anyone and don't actually have the strength to enforce any sort of peace or treaties?

UN PEACEKEEPER
We keep the peace, we're the last, best hope of mankind to stop the violence

BOB PORTER
Well, then I gotta ask, then how exactly are you keeping peace if you don't, you know, do anything?

UN PEACEKEEPER
Well, uh, uh, uh, because, uh, the flag of the UN stands for peace and our presence reminds them of the world's opinion. We stand for peace.

BOB SLYDELL
You physically stand in their way?

UN PEACEKEEPER
Well, no, the, the, US or UK does the actual fighting, if there is any to be done

BOB SLYDELL
Ah.

BOB PORTER
Then you must physically assist, with weapons, money, food, and so on?

UN PEACEKEEPER
Well...no. Yeah, I mean, sometimes.

BOB SLYDELL
Well, what would you say… you do here?

UN PEACEKEEPER
Well, look, I already told you. I deal with the #$(*&^@! terrorists so the French don't have to!! I have people skills!! I am good at dealing with people!!! Can't you understand that?!? What the hell is wrong with you people?!!!!!!!

Kofi AnnanBOB SLYDELL
Let's see. You're Kofi...Annan?

He nods.

BOB PORTER
Is that your real name?

KOFI ANNAN
Yeah.

BOB PORTER
Are you in any relation to the Kojo Annan?

KOFI ANNAN
Well, yes, he's my son.

BOB SLYDELL
(laughs) To be honest, I've never seen a scandal like that oil for food one! I just don't think it gets any better, the UN, meant to stand for world peace and opposition to tyrants, founded to prevent another Hitler, is under the table taking bribes from a horrible despot to prevent any real action taken to control him! It's like the UN is full of despots and tyrants and is working completely against it's charter and purpose!

BOB PORTER
I mean you must really love that Hussein guy.

KOFI ANNAN
Yeah. Yeah…he, he, he's pretty, he's pretty good, I guess.

BOB SLYDELL
You're @(#^@($%! right he is.

They laugh.

BOB PORTER
So tell me. What's your favorite dictator?

KOFI ANNAN
Hmm. I, I, I don't know. I mean, I guess, I sorta like 'em all.

The Bobs laugh.

BOB SLYDELL
HA HA! But it must be hard for you, I mean, they can't all bribe the UN as much as Hussein was, can they?

MICHAEL
You, you know, the French and Russians got a piece of the action too.

They stare at him.

John BoltonBOB PORTER
The next paper looks like a John Bolton.

Bolton enters.

BOB SLYDELL
Aha! All right. We were just talking about you. You must be John Bolton. Uh huh. Terrific. I'm Bob Slydell and this is my associate, Bob Porter.

JOHN BOLTON
Hi, Bob. Bob.

BOB PORTER
Why don't you grab a seat and join us for a minute?

He does so.

BOB SLYDELL
Y'see, what we're trying to do here, we're just trying to get a feel for how people spend their day. So, if you would, would you just walk us through a typical day for you?

JOHN BOLTON
Yeah.

BOB SLYDELL
Great.

JOHN BOLTON
Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. I use the side door, that way Annan can't see me. Uh, and after that, I just sorta space out for about an hour.

BOB PORTER
Space out?

JOHN BOLTON
Yeah. I just stare at my desk but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too. I'd probably, say, in a given week, I probably do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work.

BOB SLYDELL
Uh, Mr Bolton, would you be a good sport and indulge us and tell us a little more?

JOHN BOLTON
Sure. Let me tell you about UN resolutions...

Cut to later.

JOHN BOLTON
The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy. It's just that I just don't care.

BOB PORTER
Don't, don't care?

JOHN BOLTON
It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now, if I work my ass off and the UN writes a few extra resolutions, I don't see any effect on the world. So where's the motivation? And here's another thing, Bob. The French are on the Security Council. They have veto power!

BOB SLYDELL
I beg your pardon?

JOHN BOLTON
The French

BOB SLYDELL
The French?

JOHN BOLTON
The French, bob. So that means when I try to get something done, I have the French just vetoing it simply because the US wants it done. That's my real motivation - to avoid dealing with the French. That and the Chinese, and the Russians haven't really changed all that much, Bob. The UN treats dictators and thugs the same as democracies, they put Sudan on the human rights comittee, that's just not going to get anything useful done.

BOB SLYDELL
Bear with me for a minute.

JOHN BOLTON
Ok.

BOB SLYDELL
Believe me, this is hypothetical. But what if the UN was restructured to recognize the difference between dictatorships and democracies, between an Idi Amin and a John Howard? Would that make it any more effective?

JOHN BOLTON
I don't know. I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both of you guys.

He shakes their hands.

BOB SLYDELL
Absolutely. It's all on this side of the table, trust me.

*UPDATE: Changed first picture. If someone could photoshop a few shots of the Bobs and Kofi, etc, I'd be eternally grateful, I just don't have the time to GIMP one up.
**UPDATE: Fixed a reference to Peter from the original script to John Bolton and Tom to UN Peacekeepers :)
***UPDATE: Thanks to Bo for his photoshop work with Kofi Annan in the picture with the Bobs!
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8 Comments:

Blogger Chu said...

<Guinness> Brilliant! </Guinness>

10:23 AM, August 29, 2006  
Blogger Serious George said...

The Bobs must be colorblind. Anyone can see that the helmets themselves are a noteworthy UN accompishment. They're a carefully crafted, shallow pacific blue. Soothing. Quiet. Unobtrusive. Almost like they weren't there . . . almost like never promising or threatening anything at all . . .

12:26 PM, August 29, 2006  
Blogger Dale said...

Beautiful. Demonstrates the uselessness of the UN.

One small nit. You need to do a 's/Peter/John/' on this line, "Uh, Peter, would you be a good sport and indulge us and tell us a little more?"

3:10 PM, August 29, 2006  
Blogger Christopher Taylor said...

Oops, thought I got all those :) I did an edit of the script, trying to keep it as close as possible to the exact wording and thrust of the original scenes.

4:05 PM, August 29, 2006  
Blogger Richard said...

Wonderful satire. This is satire no? I mean something like this really couldn't happen could it? It certainly is worthy of a SNL skit.

5:14 AM, August 30, 2006  
Anonymous K said...

I think I just made an 'O Face' (but thought I'd let you know you still have a Tom reference a few lines in).

6:41 AM, August 30, 2006  
Blogger lance said...

Funny stuff. But also a little sad given the reasons behind the League of Nations and why they were started. I still think the UN is fixable but it wont repair the years of damage already done.

7:31 AM, August 30, 2006  
Anonymous Hammer said...

Great stuff. You have an endless amount of material at your disposal. I'm going to stay tuned.

10:30 PM, September 07, 2006  

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